My journey with mental ill-health began when I was around 13 years old at the beginning of high school. I began to feel uncomfortable in my skin and noticed myself feeling like a burden and wishing I was no longer around. My older sister was the first to notice the changes in me and she encouraged me to seek help as she had been struggling with mental ill-health as well.
My mental health improved, and I thought that was that. Little did I know what my 20s had in store for me.
When I was around 23 my ideations had grown considerably, and my mood was so low that I was constantly sleeping which was getting in the way of work and life. I was barely functioning so I thought a gap year and travel would help. This just isolated me further from my supports.
“I reached out through a cryptic Facebook post, which both my sister and sister-in-law saw straight through. They immediately reached out and I came home.”
From this point on I was linked in with supports such as Headspace, counsellors and other anonymous organisations.
Having mental health diagnoses is a cacophony of dialectics; I feel happy and sad, certain and uncertain, sane and perplexed all at varying times throughout the day. I just feel like myself.
I suffer from several different diagnoses and while some of the stigma to my diagnoses such as depression and anxiety is acceptable in today’s society, I still struggle with my schizophrenia which is misunderstood by the greater society.
I rely strongly on connecting with my family and friends who support me through my journey as well as anonymous help groups to remain sober which has drastically improved my quality of life.
Life has not always been easy though and I battled with addiction issues for over five years (mainly alcohol) as I was trying to mask and numb the pain and head noise.
“Self-care and self-compassion are required throughout this journey as I need to be forgiving and understanding of myself.”
I need to show myself a lot of self-love when I have an average day, such as a psychotic episode, or act on one of my problem behaviours. However, I have come to accept it is progress not perfection and that everything is happening as it should.
To improve my mental health, I have found that staying sober and clean has allowed me to ensure and maintain a regular lifestyle such as diet, social activities and exercise. I am taking life one day at a time and not getting swallowed up and overwhelmed by the intricacies of life or too caught up in the big picture and scheme.
“If I were to give my younger self advice I would say, do not be ashamed of who or what you are. Embrace your own uniqueness. I would encourage myself or anyone out there to get help in whatever aspect of their life they need and to be true to themselves.”
Ben is a batyr lived experience storyteller and shares his experiences with schools, universities and workplaces across the country.
Photos by Thorson Photography.
